Classic Rehash: Chasing the Chocolate Love Bunny

This classic rehash is from nearly 10 years ago....but...remarkably...still quite relevant. Enjoy.

It was now Sunday night and I was trying to find the necessary energy to be able to rally and go out for a fourth consecutive night. Three nights in a row is normally my limit, but this was a special occasion. I was in Atlanta for a friend’s wedding over Labor Day weekend. The partying started Thursday night with the bachelor party and continued through the wedding on Saturday night. My buddy, who came into town with me for the wedding, was done. Despite his intensive military training (he’s an Army Ranger), he was cooked. Three strikes and he was out. My other friend, whom we were staying with, has never been able to sustain any long stretches of debaturay. He even skipped the bachelor party. In fact, this guy starts losing it after 2am. No way was he going out on a Sunday night, even though the next day was Labor Day, and he was off from work. Believe it or not, some of my friends actually have real jobs.

That left with me Nando. And let me say for the record, I was more than happy to go out with just him. If this guy didn’t live with a pseudo wife and have a kid, we’d be real tight. Nando is the perfect guy to go out with because he loves to play the game. It’s not that he cheats or anything like that, but, as a wingman, he’s the best. Now that he’s tied down, I think he gets just as much pleasure out of watching the game. You know, kind of living vicariously through us single peeps. He’ll talk to anyone and say anything. He’s also a very cool cat and never seems to get rattled. And he’s black. Political correctness aside, he’s one of those black guys that can swing both ways. Meaning, he can hang with the brothers, but also dip with us crackers. He’s kind of like smooth white chocolate. Anyway, Nando was critically important to the evening that lay ahead.

We were headed to Otto’s, an ethnically diverse upscale club in Buckhead. Sunday night was the night at this place. Nando had been there one or two times before so he knew what to expect. It’s the kind of club that I love. The crowd is mixed. The music is Hip Hop and R&B. There’s multiple rooms and levels split between lounge and dance areas. And there are lots of beautiful babies. We had one other thing going for us too. Nando had somehow become friends with one of the Atlanta Falcons and we were meeting him at the club. This was not a bad thing.

Before going forward, you should know, I have a weakness for brown sugar. I love fine black women. I don’t know if it’s the attitude, the taboo or the exotic aspect, but the attraction is there. My friend and I kid each other all the time about who’s going to sleep with a black woman first. It’s kind of silly and a bit immature, but all I know is he’s sitting at home tonight and I’m not. And he’ll be pissed if I do score some chocolate candy tonight.

Anyway, I pull up to the club in a cab and it’s a mob scene outside. Nando is already inside, but had left my name at the door. The line is all the way down the block. And the cover is like $20. There’s no way I’m waiting in this thing. So, I walk right up to the front and tell the door guy that I’m supposed to meet this Falcon player inside. And he should have left my name. The guy is like, “Anybody else with you, or just you.” I tell him calmly, “Just me man.” And boom. He parts the velvet rope and lets me in.

It was about 11:30 and the place was slammed. Lots of nice stuff. Also, very black. From what I had been told, I was expecting a 50/50 black/white split, but from the looks of it so far, it was more like 80/20. Of course, I notice a few glances my way as I head to the front bar for my first beverage. Actually, I drank some before I left, so it wasn’t really my first of the night.
After about 15 minutes of checking the place out, I run into Nando in the back bar. He’s got a half-finished drink in one hand and a cigar in the other. And a big smile. He tells me, he left our boy upstairs to come down and find me. I didn’t even know there was an upstairs. The layout of the club is very cool. Downstairs is more the laid-back lounge style. There’s like three separate areas down here, with lots of couches and a couple of different bars and there’s a small dance area too. The downstairs is like a pre-party room filled with couples and those who can’t get upstairs. The action is upstairs. So, ebony and ivory head over to the stairs, and of course, there’s a line and a bouncer. You know you’re at a trendy place when there’s velvet ropes and lines inside. Some people don’t like putting up with this kind of bullshit, but it doesn’t bother me. I just kind of laugh at the whole thing. However, we do have a potential problem. How the hell are we going to get up there now I wonder? The line is more like a free-for-all shoulder to shoulder NY subway ride at rush hour. We try to tell the bouncer who we’re with….you know the Falcons player…and he’s like, “So what.” He says something like: “Do you know who is else is here? Everybody’s here man. I got players, musicians, actors, models….who isn’t here?!”

Standing against me happens to be a particularly sweet Vanessa Williams esque female. Apparently, unlike most clubs, this place does not discriminate when it comes to women and this cutey is having just as hard a time trying to squeeze her way up the stairs as we are. She’s got the most beautiful eyes and I smile at her. She smiles back. We start some small talk. I ask her if this place is always this crazy and she says she doesn’t know, this is her first time here. Rather than bullshit her, I decide to play the honesty thing and tell her the same. About now is when Nando nudged me to tell me how sweet this girl was. As I turn to him, I see my Nubian princess being led up the stairs by her friends. I catch her in time to say bye and that I’ll see upstairs. And she waves and smiles, but there was something different about her goodbye. It wasn’t the typical see ya later, I’ll never see you again bye. It was an unexpected, optimistic looking, hopefully, I do see you later bye. I turned to Nando to confirm and before I could say anything, he goes, “Dude, I think she liked you.”

“Where the hell is our boy?! We need to get upstairs!” I say out loud to nobody.

A couple of minutes later, our black knight appears at the top of the stairs. He spots Nando and yells to him, “What the hell are you doing down there?” He walks down to the bouncer and points us out and just like that, we’re in…or up that is. Cha-ching. The upstairs is going off. It’s like a brown sugar Disneyland. The Falcon dude is cool as shit. Like Nando, he’s got a cigar and half-a-drink. The three of us hangin’ together is kind of funny to see. He’s like 6’3, 230…big and black. Nando is like 5’6, 140…little and black. And I’m 5’9, 150…little and white. It was a scene. I offer to buy everyone a round. After all, that’s the right thing to do. I’m here because of them. Of course, they both like that idea. I quickly find how upscale this place is when the round is like $25. Some brother next to me orders a bottle of champagne, calmly hands over a c-note and just as calmly says, “Keep the change.” Everyone that’s in this place thinks they’re big time. And they’re not afraid to let you know it either. Thinking that my whiteness might actually work to my advantage, I roll around with Nando with a bright confidence no money can buy. We hit some small talk here and there, but nothing really evolves. A couple of drinks later and I’m ready for one of Nando’s patented cigars. Although we’re getting drunk, smoking, and having a good time, I am not unaware of the reality setting in. This may have once been an equal opportunity club, but times have changed. The black women here want black men. And the 5-10 percent of the white women here, they also desire brothers. Nando agrees. I wish I could find that girl from the stairs.

We’re now in one of the upstairs back rooms. It’s a little more low-key here with a back-bar and some couches and sofa chairs scattered around. I’ve carelessly let my cigar fizzle out so I ask Nando for a light. And then I notice a cute little blonde with straight hair to mid-way down the back, casually smoking a cigarette on one of the couches. She appears to be sitting there by herself. And she’s white. I tell Nando to standby and that I’m going to ask her to light me up.

I normally can’t stand girls who smoke. I don’t like the smell or the attitude that usually comes with it. However, tonight, I’m feeling a little indifferent. Probably because I’ve chosen to smoke a stogie myself might have something to do with it, but I’m also in the middle of a pretty decent weekend. And, although I haven’t got laid yet, I have managed a public make-out each of the last 2 nights. I guess I’m willing to put up with the smoke for now.

She notices me coming over. Then, as a smoker does, promptly takes one of those I’m all that last second puffs, before allowing a smile to break across her face. I lean over with my flamed out cigar and politely ask her if she would re-light me up. She teases me about letting it go out. I reply with some quick sarcasm about not being man enough to smoke it all at once. I guess she found my silly remark kind of funny because she laughed and pulled out some matches. Without hesitating, I ask her if she minds if I sit down with her. She says no and slides over to make room. Her name is Julie and she is smokin’. She’s wearing those black fuck-me pants and a matching, sleeveless, tight little black top. Nice rack. I’m as cool as could be, puffin away on the cigar, casually checking her up and down.

Suddenly, I remember a conversation I had with two women a while back in a bar. They tried to tell me they would never date a guy they met in a bar. They said, “Look at everybody here, it’s a meat market. When you meet a guy here, he’s only interested in one thing.” Now you know, I had to put them on trial. In my best lawyer-like naiveté, I baited them with “So, who, do you date?” They answered, “Ohh…guys we meet through work or through friends.” They were in trouble. I continue with my sarcastic innocence, “So, these guys from work, they don’t go to bars?” They tried to reason with me that somehow these guys they knew from work and through friends were somehow different from the guys standing and scamming all around me in this bar. By the way, I took myself out of the equation right from the beginning by telling them I had no interest in sleeping with either one of them. And what kind of reaction did I get from that comment? “Gee, thanks a lot.” So, if I told them I was interested in having sex with them, they would? These women had not yet evolved and accepted one of the most innate facts of men: Ultimately, we think and act the same no matter where we are or what situation we’re in. Most women do their best efforts to romanticize and idealize us, based upon false truths and contrived perceptions, in order to justify their personal needs and fantasies. The fact remains, we all just want to get laid.

Julie and I seem to hit it off right away, trippin’ on all the wanna-be players struttin’ by. She tells me she’s been here before, back when there were a few more white people. “Not only that,” I tell her, “But the few whites that are here all got jungle fever.” Of course, I don’t mention the fact, that I am one of those people. I tell her I was beginning to think there was nobody here interested in white dudes. She laughs and puts her hand on my leg. She wants to do some tequila shots. There are lots of things I’ll do for women, unfortunately, tequila is not one of them. Just the smell makes me want to vomit. I tell her, “You’re on your own…surprise me with something else.” And she’s like, “OK, don’t move, I’ll be right back.” So she gets up and heads for the bar while I sit back to take a few more puffs and watch that hot little ass walk away. Nando comes over and he’s all excited, like a little school-girl at recess. I’m like, “Dude, did you see any of that?!” And he says, “Yeah man, I was standing right over there watching the whole fucking thing. I’m saying to myself, man, Steve is one lucky motherfucker. Look at that girl laughing at all his stupid shit, rubbin’ all close up against him. She is cool as shit man.” He goes on to say, “Man, I can’t take it anymore watching this shit. I’m gonna’ try and find (the Falcon).” He gives that patented Nando laugh and takes off. I love that guy.

Julie rolls back with a pair of shots, one drink and one extraordinary, sexy smile. Tequila for her, and for me, something that doesn’t smell too bad. We toast and down the hatch. Tequila, gone. I didn’t finish mine. It wasn’t that bad. Like I said I can’t stand tequila, but, I do greatly admire a girl that can suck it down with ease. She makes me finish. I like this girl. She’s got some real attitude. The drink is some Vodka based concoction that she wants to share. Yummy. That I can do. By now in the evening, I’ve had more than enough alcohol to want to rip this girl’s clothes off right there on the couch. I ask her what she does and she tells me she doesn’t want to say. Of course, I know what that means. “What are you, a garbage person?” I ask her just to kind of throw her off a bit. She’s amused, but not fooled. I can tell by that little smirk, the kind that all women do when they realize, you know, what they know. Guys don’t care what women do. They can be trash-collectors, lawyers, seamstresses in a sweat shop, whatever; as long as they’re hot and they like us, that’s good enough for us. We are a simple kind. I press her for an answer and she proclaims, “I’m in the entertainment field.” She says it like it might have an adverse affect on me. Why should I care? I tell her that’s cool, not wanting to act overly excited by jumping to any preliminary judgement. She won’t tell me where she works or anything else. She’s being very mysterious. Is she a stripper? An escort?, A bartender?, Maybe a promotions coordinator? I decide not to press it. I just hope this night doesn’t turn out to be too expensive.

Nando returns to tell me he’s taking off. This is good because now Julie knows I’m flying solo without me having to tell her. Although, I still haven’t told her I took a cab here and I don’t have a ride home. Obviously, I’m planning now to go with her, wherever she is going. Julie gets up and grabs my hand and tells me we have to try and find her friends. She leads me around the club, holding onto my hand the whole time. Her hands are soft and warm. She has good hands. We bump into some guy she knows and quickly introduces me. He notices we’re holding hands. I just give him the cool, “Nice to meet you man.” Julie asks him if he’s seen so and so (I can’t remember the names). He says they’re all meeting back at the car. So the three of us walk out together.

As soon as we get outside, a photographer comes rushing up to us. You know, one of those club photographers that will snap a polaroid for $5. Well, Julie wants one. I mean she’s begging for one. Except the picture was $10. Of course we take it and I come out looking like a drunken idiot. I hope she doesn’t still have it. We find the rest of her group, but the person that drove can’t find her keys, and now we have to wait for a locksmith because she thinks the valet might have locked them in the car. Great. Luckily, the guy friend we walked out with offers to drive just me and Julie. She’s cool with that, and so am I.

Before heading home, they want to stop at this after-hours bisexual place. I’ve actually been there before, with other girls, and I figured, as long as I was still with Julie, things would be OK. The group is now me, Julie, 3 guys and a girl. By the time we get to the new club, it’s around 4am. And, I’m still holding Julie’s hand. We order a few drinks, walk around. She starts recognizing people and saying hello and looking a little too comfortable in this place. But, I don’t care. There’s only one thing I’m thinking about now. We stay for about a half an hour before finally heading to Julie’s apartment. I’m riding in the back with Julie and I start playing with her hair and she’s got her leg wrapped inside mine.

The group decides they all want to stop at Steak and Shake for some chili. I start making a little more nice to Julie and the next thing I know she’s got her teeth clamped on my hand. I mean, she was biting me. It kind of came out of nowhere and I think she was trying to be a little sexually freaky because she did not appear angry. The group kind of just laughs it off, but my hand was hurting. And I had the teeth marks to prove it. At least there was no blood.

We get to the Steak and Shake and Julie wants me to join her in the bathroom. Normally, I would have jumped on this opportunity, but given the prior circumstances, I did not want to chance a random biting somewhere else. She tells me it will be worth it, but I just tell her that I can wait until we get back to her apartment. I know. That was probably a mistake. Somebody wants to make another stop at a convenience store to buy some chips or something. I actually like this idea ‘cause I need to get some condoms. I won’t have sex without them and I was hoping not to bring it up with Julie. You never know how she might react even though it seems like a sure thing at this point. A girl might be planning on having sex, but if a guy says the wrong thing or brings it up first, poof! It could all go away just like that.

Julie and another girl went into the store and I followed behind. But how was I to get to the counter and pay without her seeing? I kind of lagged behind. And as they finished paying, I walked up with the condoms in hand, closely guarded. I kind of looked at the cashier and he kind of looked at me like, all right dude; either like he didn’t know I was about to pay for something else or he knew what I was paying for and was letting me slide out undetected. Whatever the case, I slipped the 3-pack in my pocket and rolled out of the store, fully protected, back into the car.

We finally reach Julie’s apartment around 5am. And wouldn’t you know it? Everyone decides to come upstairs. So now, it’s like a party. Except, I’m tired, horny as hell and not in the mood to eat, any food that is. Julie whips out some sexy lingerie pictures of herself and a couple of cuties. She mentions something about her job, but I’m not sure. Everyone else in the room seems to know what’s going on except me. At this point, I feel a little neglected, almost ignored. They pop in a movie. I think it was Scent of a Woman. Who-ahh.

Anyway, I’m still trying to be cool. I try and say something to Julie. Maybe I should just go and give up. Call it a night. I don’t want to do it, but it doesn’t seem like these guys aren't leaving anytime soon. I probably should have asked to see Julie in her bedroom or just yelled out, “Can all of you please go the fuck home, so I can bang the fuck out of your little friend here.”

Instead, I said, “It’s late. I should probably get out of here. Can you call me a cab.” Julie asks if I was sure and I said, “Yeah.” I figured this was her chance to put up a fight for me if she really wanted me to stay. Once all her friends got involved in the night, it got kind of strange. It’s always better when it’s just you and her and nobody else to interfere, offer opinions or pull her away.

The sun is starting to come up when the cab finally shows up. To my pleasant surprise, as soon as I get up from the couch to leave, Julie pops up and says, “Hold on, I’ll walk you down.”
We were on the third floor, so it’s a long enough walk to have a little conversation with her alone. I tell her I kept hoping for her friends to leave so we could be alone. She tells me she had a really good time and the next thing I know is I’ve got her pinned against the wall and I’m making out with her. I tell her that I had wanted to spend the night with her. And then she really surprises me with, “Well, it’s not too late. I was about to go to bed.”

The cab is honking me to c’mon. I look up and see one of the guy friend’s looking down at us through the window. As much as I wanted to sleep with her all night, believe it or not, I felt like I was done. I was so tired. I told her I was still in town for another night and I would call her later that day. She gave me her pager number and I got in the cab and left. The night was over. The sun was now up.

Post-Hash

I called Julie the next afternoon and never heard back from her. I called her again when I got back to New York and she didn’t return that one either. I tried one more time a couple of weeks later and she returned that call. She apologized saying the second time I called she was at a concert and her pager only holds numbers for so many hours. She never offered a reason why she didn’t get back to me while I was still in Atlanta, but claimed to be happy I finally called again. We talked and agreed to see each other the next time I was in Atlanta. When I did finally return two or three months later, she never returned my calls. I think I ended up paging her about six or seven times one night, before my friend thought it might be wise to put an end to this nonsense and burn the number, which we then proceeded to do.

The Helping Hand continued

Some new information recently came to light regarding two different posts...I mentioned a friend of mine who had a girlfriend of 2 years and how I hadn't even met her yet...he's incidentally the same one who matter of fact stated, "Dude, it's not my job to hook you up."....right....well...it seems as if his girl is friend's with the girl I randomly ran into at the bar...the one who I texted at the bar...read my "Fate Walks In" post for more....

What makes this particular story even more astonishing is that he knew I liked that chick years ago and knew all about that encounter and my soft pursuit of her....back then...sure he probably forgot about it...but when he tells me he saw her this past Halloween...and how good she looked...and that his girl "talks to her all the time"....well...that was a bit much for me....clearly...this guy isn't the friend he claims to be....and clearly...he's about as self-serving as they come...after all...what good will come of it...for him.?????....by saying something to this girl or to his girl.....I even suggested it might be kind of funny for him to tell his girl about my blog...not referencing me specifically or what his relationship is to me....just to see her reaction to the blog and to see if she ends up forwarding it to any of her girlfriends....but he wouldn't even go that far.....

A part of me thinks him...as well as others I know...don't want to make the extra effort because they don't feel I have enough to offer....besides of course, being a generally good guy with a good heart and.....fun....like that matters anymore...guess not enough....because I don't drive a fancy car or make a lot of money....or have an established career...or worse....still pursue meaningless sex.....oh the horror...."they" don't deem me as a good enough catch.....yet "they" wonder why I complain......hmmm.....I wonder why....

Back to the married friend's wife who is the one person who will set me up....I've concluded part of the reason is because she's Jewish...that's what real Jewish mothers do...they make "shit-ahhchs"...I know I misspelled the Yiddish.....in English....they match make....but it's more than that with her...one...she actually likes me and respects me.....that helps....but two.....she gets me....she knows what I'm about.....and what I go through.....she's also secure enough with herself and in her relationship with her husband (my friend) to not give a shit what "happens" between me and whoever she introduces me to....she even tried to set me up once with someone she never met...but knew her Aunt and was getting harassed by the Aunt to help find someone for her niece....believe me..."harass" is the right word...you have to be Jewish to understand.....naturally I had to see a picture of said niece first and when she turned out to be on a 'lil on the chunky side....my friend couldn't believe it...not my reaction...she agreed with me...she couldn't believe what a fuss the Aunt was making over her niece despite her being more than a 'lil overweight...especially when she's trying to get athletic thin Jewish guys interested....my friend wanted to say something to the Aunt like tell your niece to lose some weight first....and then we'll talk.....now that...is a cool chick....

Basically...I've had a nearly exact opposite kind of conversation with another married friend's wife...now...keep in mind...she's not Jewish...and I'm not going to sit here and judge her relationship with my friend....but certainly...she doesn't "get me" the way this other one does....well maybe she does get me....she just doesn't respect me....and of course is very concerned about herself...here's the scenario...

I was in town visiting them and somehow their baby sitter came up...relax...she's in grad school...as in over 21.....and I said let me see picture...and she showed me an on-line profile...and yadda yadda...she's a nurse...her mother hates her current/former boyfriend....and she's Jewish....guess what?....the boyfriend wasn't....I tell her how Jewish Mothers all love me and that certainly won't be a problem....but then she objected to our age difference....granted...our age difference is a factor...but not for me...I'm just as comfortable being with someone 15 years younger as I am 15 years older...I relate well to all ages and all kinds of people...I think that makes me more admirable....not less...I said, "Well...that should be something for your baby-sitter friend to decide...not you..."...now...this whole discussion was very hypothetical....because I did not live in town...and nothing serious was ever going to happen here...it was more like a what if I did live here discussion......

The "baby-sitter" factor played a big role because she proclaimed, "Steve!...She's my baby-sitter. She watches my babies! They love her"....as if to say...I can't have you deflowering my kid's baby-sitter...it'd be much better for her to have some random dooshbag college guy over while she takes care of the kids than someone she actually knows....in other words, if things went bad with me and her then she'd be out of a baby sitter...I don't see how that could happen.....the other factor was that my friend's wife worked with the baby-sitter's mother....and if things went bad she'd get blamed by the mother...making it impossible to work with her.....that's when I reminded her about all Jewish Mothers loving me so that wasn't going to be a problem..but with her not being a Jewish Mother..she couldn't quite grasp the concept....

So basically...it became about me potentially fucking up her life by going out with this girl....I never thought of myself as having the ability or more impressively...the power to fuck any one's life up...so I guess..in some weird way...maybe it's a compliment that she feels so strongly about me...it is interesting to me how she immediately went to the negative side of things...instead of thinking positively....like OMG...these two could actually hit it off...fall in love...and live happily ever after...and they'll have me to thank for it.....no...she couldn't go there....why?....cause she's not Jewish....of course.....the irony being...I myself prefer a non-Jewish girl.....fascinating, huh?....I am an enigma.....

"Help....I need somebody"

I put the title in quotes just so some of you would not think I was giving myself credit for that mighty 4-word masterpiece....save it for Sir Paul McCartney....

To be clear...I'm not asking for help...and I don't need anybody....but if you're willing to lend a hand..I'm not going to dismiss it...and yeah I want somebody...need is a bit much...so what the hell am I rambling about?.....being set up.....by friends...or should I say, "friends"....

I've had this discussion many times with most of all my so called "friends"...my feeling is if I'm in a relationship or I have access to a cathedral full of women..I'm going to do what I can to help a friend in.......want.....after all, I'm a generous heart...and about as far from selfish as you can be...I want my friends to be happy and if getting them laid makes them happy....as "if" there is a question that would make them happy...ok..some might need the relationship thing to truly make them happy.....you know...the ones complaining about all the meaningless sex they keep engaging in.....regardless.....I'll do what I can to record the assist....I don't always need to score the goal....that's just the kind of guy I am.....you want me on your team....you need me on your team....well....if you "need" me...you must be worse off than me...so..my heart goes out to you....

Surprisingly, virtually none of my "friends" feel this way....so are they really my friends at all if they aren't willing to get involved in one of life's basic needs....and it's not just they're not helping me...they ain't helping anyone......I do credit one married friend's wife with consistently trying to fix me up...always looking for someone for me...and she lives nearly 3,000 miles away!.......but the most common response on the board is "Dude, it's not my job to get you laid."......no shit....I'm not paying you to be my pimp....nor am I paying you to be my friend......the very fact that you look at is a "job" says a lot about you and your perspective.....it's nothing but selfish....and self-serving...now they'll argue back that this description is exactly how they feel about me...why is it always about me?....well...it's only about me on this subject because you are the one with the girl...and I am not....

They all say "Real Men don't need help with women." That's exactly the kind of macho idiocracy that lets "real men" drive around lost for an hour and half because they're too stubborn to ask for directions...go ahead...buy another self-indulgent luxury car or 61-inch TV while you're at it.....

"Friends" fall into one of three categories....The Husband, The Boyfriend and The Single Guy....with or without woman....they all share one thing in common....they're only concerned with themselves....and let me take several steps off topic for a minute here and relate this attitude to the state of the world.....these are selfish times...particularly here in America...how is this going to affect me?...Who cares about you?....I'm worried about me...the prevalence of this callous disregard for your fellow man is driving the world to hell....more respect, kindness and tolerance is what's needed for peace, harmony and real change...you know..the change we keep hearing about......more taxes, immigration walls and religious zealots aren't the things that will get us there.....they only drive us further apart....but I digress....

The Husband...happily married...secure in his relationship...the most likely of Hamburger Helpers....so where's the risk?....well...chances are he's picking from a stack of his wife's girlfriends which can only mean one thing....he has to go to his wife with the request....and permission.....and if things go bad with me...then he has to hear it from his wife...he hears enough from his wife already so he doesn't need to add me to his ever growing list....and what about the girls he meets through work or on "guy's night out"????...well...the Husband is so desperate to flirt like he was single again...and so overjoyed and caught up in the moment his one track mind does not allow the thought of his actual single friend to even enter....eventually claiming, "Sorry dude, I wasn't even thinking about you at the time."....no shit....

The Boyfriend....despite having a steady girlfriend still maintains a small arsenal of female friends...you know...just in case...surely he's not going to open that vault for me.....those are his ponies waiting in the stable....and what about his girl's girls?....well...same situation as the married guy except even more delicate....I guy can be with a girl for more than 2 years...I know one...and he's still unwilling to risk the ripple effect....a single friend of mine likens it to protecting property...you'll do everything you can to avoid losing it....so why should he step out on a limb for me....and risk losing his girl because his girl's girl thinks I'm an asshole....it doesn't matter that my friend knows I'm not an asshole.....his girl's girl who's never even met me yet may think I am...and that's good enough for him....and then should he, by some small miracle, be willing to do some maneuvering...as one friend recently attempted....don't bother rejecting his set-up attempt or risk a wrath of Khan like reaction...."That's it!...Never again!"....as if I somehow offended him and damaged his precious ego for not accepting his offering like God rejecting some sacrificial lamb....I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but one...you've never even met her and two you told me "It's probably going to be a train wreck."...so no...I'm not sorry I politely declined...

The Single Guy....well...this one's obvious...he's too busy trying to get some for himself...like the bum asking for your change after you leave the 7-Eleven...the Single Guy says, "Sorry, I got no change for you."....even though he just watched you walk inside buy something and receive change back....but you still don't have anything for him...of course you do...you just don't want to give it to him....that's the Single Guy for you...he can...but, he won't......

What about women?....do they go out on a limb to set up their girlfriends?....I suspect not much because women are even more competitive with each other than guys are...while guys are more into satisfying themselves...girls actually compete for men...and will get jealous if a friend is scoring and they are not....every guy's been there in bar when things are going well...like really well...and then the "girlfriend" swoops in and says, "We're leaving."...happens all the time...women can deny the jealous factor all they want but they're isn't a man out there who won't agree with me on this one....

Here's another one....women are more apt to sleep with your friend's best friend if given the chance than the other way around.....hold on...hold on......let me explain......I'm talking about a guy going after his best friend's girl....that almost never happens......there's a certain man code that doesn't allow us to go there.....but on the other hand, how many times have you heard of a girl sleeping with her girlfriend's boyfriend?.......sure a guy will try and score with his girl's best friend but only because he's angry with his girl....a girl will actually do it because she wants to......

So back to woman...do they get set up by friends?....how do they meet guys?.....I once had a conversation in a bar with a couple of women and they told me the boys they date either come through work or from friends......but not bars.....I tried to explain to them these guys who they so-called "date" go to bars too....they agreed with that assessment....so the guys they date are exactly the same type of guys who are trying to pick them up in the bar tonight.....they agreed with that assessment......their only defense became.....as long as they don't actually meet them in a bar then it's ok.....this is exactly the kind of female logic that makes it impossible to understand women.....because I know what you're thinking...I said, "So you're telling me the current guy you're dating...the guy you're crazy about and can't imagine being without.....if you had first met in him a bar....and he approached you like I am tonight...you wouldn't have gone out with him?"....they both said without stopping to think for just one second, "Yeah, that's right."

I wish I could have bottled that conversation, taken it to court with me and said, "Your honor....please judge and rule on this...."

So where does all this enlightenment leave me?......I don't work...not in the normal sense...and I don't have friends who want to introduce me to anyone......I'll tell you where it leaves me....the same place I started...on my own....or worse......the Internet.....a lot of guys like to meet girls there...here.....maybe 'cause of the statistics that show a third of On-line Dating first dates end up having sex.....that's an unbelievably high number because I think regular first dates...the kind where you actually have met before end up having sex like 5-10% of the time.....but me.....I'm still holding out...call me a romantic...but I'm old fashioned....I prefer the in-person experience....the initial face-to-face meet n' greet...not in some slimy chat room or over-exaggerated perfectly calculated and constructed on-line profile....

Bottom line.....when it comes to setting a friend up......if you're secure in your relationship....you shouldn't care about the ripple effect....and if you're in an insecure relationship then it's not worth being in it at all...oh....right...you want still get laid......yeah.....thanks for your help.

So all you real men out there.....go ahead and step outside yourselves for a minute....a small gesture to your "friend"...today....you never know what might happen....it could go a long way in some round about way....in saving the world....tomorrow.

Meaningless sex vs. Meaningful sex

For the record....like I need to state that...I mean by recording this blog...everything I write is "for the record"....so strike that lame opening comment.....but regardless, for the record......I'm still the same guy I've always been despite what "skigator93" thinks from my last post.....
....Older ...yes....wiser?....doubt it......and while I may be considering more meaningful sex, I'm still just as interested in meaningless sex...nothing's changed there...but is sex ever really meaningless?

I guess it depends on who you ask...for me...whenever I have sex it's very meaningful...no matter the circumstances..probably cause I don't have it a lot...maybe I appreciate it more so it means more....kind of like if your favorite food is pizza but you eat it everyday....how much can you really enjoy it.....but if you go a month without...imagine the first day 30 days later you take a bite of that slice fresh out of the oven....hmmmm....that's a meaningful piece of pie....

I can't stand people in relationships or who have no difficulties getting laid....guys and girls who complain about having "meaningless sex" and how they can't wait to find someone who they can "love"...where the sex will be special...puleeeze....sure the sex is better when you're with someone you truly care about.....but everything is better when you care....there's no such thing as bad sex....just not as good as it can be sex........try not having sex at all...then get back to me.....

I just called to say.....

....I love you.......not what you might think you'd hear from me....but since I saw Stevie Wonder in concert last night....and he played that song.....well...it put me in a more loving mood than usual.

First lemme say about Stevie....the man can jam...and sing...I know I'm stating the obvious...but it was the first time I saw him live and he's the kinda' performer that can burn straight through your heart and into your soul....

When I'm at a show like this and not with a girl I like to look around and take note of couples enjoying the show together....like the connection they're having...how the music moves them...how they look at each other...I notice...and I think...

I think of ex's...I think of love lost or never had.....but having that special connection with someone is what we all want...it's part of what makes us human....and while a lot of guys, and I guess, to similar degrees, girls, will too....at times...when they're not with someone or when things are going bad with someone close they try to justify to themselves, "Oh, I don't need him (her)..I'll be fine by myself...I'm a strong person. I don't need anyone." I used to like to say a woman doesn't make the man...a man makes the man...well... true....to some extent.....you've got to learn to be a man first on your own and how to be happy without a woman....if you can't depend on yourself to be happy....then you're never going to be....and I know I'm far from happy right now....I'm not satisfied where I'm at professionally....nor as a person....

People like to tell me...especially my parents...."What you really need is a good woman...."....as if that's going to be the cure all...and dramatically change things for me....

I asked a lot of friends of mine who are married or in long-term relationships how they felt in terms of how affected they are by their women....and not surprisingly, they have a difficult time expressing themselves....in part, it's a machismo thing where they don't want to admit they might be any less of a man without their partner...or worse yet....give their partner any credit, for their....for lack of a more sophisticated word.....betterness.....

I can't ever see any of them articulating what Tom Hanks said about his wife (Rita Wilson) on Oprah...(OK..I know I just lost like 100% of the straight men here....and I guess I shouldn't have "admitted" I was watching Oprah...let alone quoting from it...but I'm not quoting Oprah...I'm quoting the great Tom Hanks....and what man can't get on board with him?....what real man anyway...so I digress)....Tom said, "Before I met my wife I was maybe 65-68% man....she's made up the difference to get me to 100"....and of course Oprah and Julia Roberts...who was there with Tom promoting their movie, "Charlie Wilson's War"...along with the entire female audience collectively went "Awwwwww...."...now believe me...I appreciate what a fine actor Mr. Hanks is and certainly am aware of the fact he could be "acting" and "working" the audience...but if you heard it as I did...rather then just reading it on the page as you are now...you would have heard the sincerity in his voice and seen the love in his eyes.....it was as genuine as you can get...

Back to my friends....maybe they don't know how to express love...maybe they just don't want to share it with me...or maybe they're really not that much in love...whatever the case may be....some of them did offer, "Well, she's good to me...I know how much she loves me..." or they got married because "it was the right thing to do".......for me...that's not enough....there needs to be more.....that kind of love feels incomplete....I'm going to need a Big...ger love.............(yes...that was a Tom Hanks reference that probably flew right past some of you...sorry...).....anyway, when I see my Dad...I know how much my Mom means to him and how much he loves her....because I can see the impact she has on him.......and I realize.....it's not so much that a woman is good to you....and that's what makes the difference.....just being "good to you" is not nearly enough....what matters is that she's "good for you...."

And if you....I....can find....THAT....then maybe....we'll be able to not only rekindle Tom's words...but Stevie's too....and tell someone.....

"I just called....to say......I love you."

The chicks who thought I was "mature"

I realized after my last post I certainly left out of a lot of details on my interaction with the girls, ladies.....women...they were both pushing 40.....but age is just a number, right?....they're still all chicks...

So when I first approached the L-shaped bar to order a drink they were sitting on the bottom of the L...the only two people there...shortly after I posted up, the white one.....another thing I never mentioned were their Ethnicity's which normally I do...but it wasn't relevant to the Hash (short for Rehash)....a quick background note...over the years I've recounted a lot of my stories involving women....they became known as Rehash to many of my friends....ultimately becoming Hash...not to be confused with the stuff you smoke....but I digress.....

So the white chick...who...was the one that ended up thinking I was in my early 40's!...left to go to the bathroom leaving me alone with the hot won.....ton....ok....I affectionately refer to Asian women as Wontons.....believe me when I say...it is a term of pure endearment...I got a thing for 'em....that I can't explain...I just do.......besides the Asian themed nightclub in Vegas, Tao, apparently finds it charming and clever to appeal to customers by using the word "dumplings" in their advertising....I saw it on a billboard in Vegas where there was a smokin' hot Asian girl smiling and the giant words next to her read "Nice dumplings".....so...hopefully no one's offended here...

So I engage the wonton immediately....this was the one that actually came in a year younger on my age guess......and here's the skinny...her girlfriend's home alone in Malibu I think she said miserable cause she just broke up w her boyfriend...she wasn't going to drive all the way out there to be alone w her even though she claimed to be equally miserable cause her musician boyfriend just left town for the next month to tour...oy vey....funny thing was...she wasn't acting miserable...seemed pretty happy...I made her laugh and things seemed to be going pretty well...not that was hitting on her with the boyfriend and all in the picture....I usually avoid any chick with any resemblance of a boyfriend....I realize the irony that most of my posts so far have contained a boyfriend in some form...but I do not seek it...it finds me....and not to get off course too much...but this raises another very important topic....women don't seem to have any problems trying to get with guys who have girlfriends...it seems to make us more appealing if we have one.....what does that say about women?....but that's not for this....

So...I order my drink and the friend comes back and I'm kind of hovering over her stool....and she says to me, "So, are you done talking?"....like r u done w my girlfriend.?..because she's done with you....but that didn't appear to be the case and unfortunately I didn't have anything smart to come back with you....I said I was just getting my drink...but I think she was actually trying to be kinda cute funny with me.....so I let her slide back in....I guess I could have said, "No, I'm not, but I'll be sure to let you know when I am".....that would have really pissed her off...and I wasn't looking for that......maybe she was baiting me....who knows?...certainly not me....

So I continue...and seemingly we start to hit it off...in fact I could easily have found myself hanging with these girls another time...not to like to date...they both seemed to have some issues there...like they both went out with the same guy 9 years apart...and both like Jewish guys...I don't know why I wasn't more forward with the Asian...who was actually Filipino....which is probably the type I'm most attracted to and have dated before...I guess it was the whole musician boyfriend thing...eventually the wonton had to go to the bathroom and so I was now left alone with the white girl...

I ended up giving her my card to hang out....she was complaining to me how when the wonton's boyfriend comes back into the picture in August she'll be out of the picture...86'ed...and that's just the way things work.....I and that she understood that...so I told her not to worry...I'll take the girlfriend's place....but in a straight way......I don't even know what I was trying to say there or why I even gave her my card at all...if I gave it to anyone it should have been the wonton...after all...she didn't think I was an old married mature guy....it was when she returned that we got into the age discussion from the previous post...

What I left out when the white one accused me of being very mature was that I almost went Tommy Lee on her face (Tommy Lee wrote in his book how the first night when he met Pam in a bar and came over to say hi...when he sat down next to her he just licked her entire face like a dog....instead of kissing her)....so if I had done that I could have asked "Still think I'm mature?"....and then me not being Tommy Lee I probably would have a drink dumped on me....which is probably what I was thinking when I didn't do it....ooooh...but if SHE only knew what I was thinking....

Then she starts in with my hair...and yadda yadda.....guess I didn't have enough of the Hollywood look going.....when she told me liked Russian Jews it would have been hilarious for me to come back with, "That's cool...I'm a partially Russian Jew...but I like Filipinos"....again...very unlike me no be playing the white woman over the Asian.....guess it had something to do her age attack on me...it was bugging me....

At one point I turned around to look down the long side of the bar only to see like half of it just watching the three of us...I mean..flat out staring...like utterly being amused and entertained by the animated discussion we were having...or perhaps it was more along the lines of "What is really going on with those 3?...and why are those hot chicks talking with that dooshbag?"

How it ended was me going to the bathroom at closing time with the white chick asking me if my mother's worried about me not married yet...I assured her she wasn't too worried yet...and she tried to assure me she already knew my mother....I told her not to leave and I'll tell her all about my mother...which of course she did exactly that...leave...I had to wait for a lil at the bathroom and by the time I got out...everyone had been kicked out and they were long gone...I half thought they might have waited outside to say goodbye...but I guess my "mature hair" killed that off....

But the hour in the place with the chicks...yeah...it was like an hour...was not a total waste...I did pick up the latest LA WEEKLY which a friend's been bugging me to pick up cause of the cover story....and I'm not making this up.....the cover story was all about chicks in LA complaining about not getting laid cause guys don't approach them anymore.......puleeeze...cry me a river.

How old do I look?

Tonight, for the first time in my life, a chick thought I was older than I am. Bartender...drink please. Better make it a double. All my life I've had the baby face where everyone thought I was younger than I actually I am. I went through a period in my early 20's where I hoped to look older...but that quickly changed to feeling good about myself that I looked younger than I really was...at least 3-5 years younger....but now...suddenly...I'm older....I've hit the wall I guess.....this chick was actually off by at least 5 years....wow....her friend...who was smokin hot...and Asian which I prefer...they age well...she admitted to being 38....she still thought I was a year younger than I actually am...and for the record...both chicks were older than me...but to quote the offending girl....and married friends of mine please take deep breath and get ready to LYFAO......"You looked like you're a married guy in his early 40's who doesn't care too much about his appearance wanting to just have a drink...you seem very mature".................................
............................................................................I inserted extra dot dot dots so all of you who know me can catch your breath from laughing so hard....."mature"..."married"....of course I told her she couldn't be furthest from the truth...I asked her if she was maybe confusing intelligence with maturity.....and she claimed it had a lot to do w my hair...how it looked....granted I knew it was messed up from driving with the windows down and my top down....and I told them so....but, still it couldn't have made that bad of an impression could it have?....then she goes on to tell me how she's really attracted to Russian Jews.......and I had to break it to her that I was Jewish and part Russian...even thought I don't particularly look Jewish be it the dirty blonde hair and blue eyes.....so I guess I fooled her...she doesn't know what she likes....but truthfully back to the hair...when I got home...my hair did look like shit...this LA climate really fucks w your hair and dries it out...so maybe I should have stopped home and re-touched my hair after the car ride back home..I was back out after returning home from a dinner date...relax....not date date...but where the woman I had dinner with thought I was 8 years younger than I am....guess it was before the wind got a hold of my hair....bottom line....the chick who tried to humilate me was right about one thing...I went out not giving a shit.

Fate Walks In

I know...it's a perfect title for a film or book....and one day soon I'm going to write it....so don't even think about it.....

My recent texting closure made me think of another incident I had with a girl who now that I'm thinking about it actually had the same name as my "Take Care" chick...wow....see, I told you wierd inexplicable things happen to me.

So I met this other girl at a party and to throw out a disclaimer right off the top....she was not in the service industry..as in, not a waitress, nor a bartender, hostesses, stripper, etc....she was a PA at a local TV station. Real job. Real career....we flirted a little...just about every guy was trying to hit it...or should I say..."get with"..."hit it" might be a 'lil crude for any potential female reader of this.....what can I say?...I can be kind of a lockeroom guy at times.....it was a party where everyone knew each other from work...except me..I didn't work with any of them....a friend of mine did, but he turned out to be not much of a wingman cause he dipped sooned after I got there...which left me flying solo at this thing...granted, not something I'm unaccustomed to....at any rate...by the time I left I had got her number...I can recall her punching it into my phone and telling me to call her...after she had spent some time on my lap....and not to take any luster of the situation, but she was slightly intoxicated.....nevertheless we seemed to hit it off in the short time we spent together.....

I know I called once with no response...and then probably texted one more time...still nothing...apparently she was dating someone...or was seeing someone from work..or something to that effect...well anyway...after pretty much giving up on her I was in a bar one weeknight which just happened to be near her work....not that I went there hoping to run into her...I only thought about the location AFTER she walked in the door.....

So I'm sitting at the bar having a drink...by myself yet again....when I lived in NYC, grabbing a drink alone was no big deal...people did it all the time...it was commonplace...NYC is really a city of aspiring alcoholics...while LA is a city of aspiring wannabe alcoholics....besides, in LA people tend to go out more in groups and seldom venture out alone.."Oh...what people would think?"....

So..in she walks with a group of guys...probably work people...I recognize her right away...but she doesn't spot me up at the bar....as they all grab a booth a few feet away.

Obviously..to me...I got to do something. I can't let this opportunity pass without some attempt. I'm not sure if any other guy would do anything at this point...considering they had already seemingly been blown off by this chick....but I look at this as more than a coincidence that she walked in that door....I'm not one to chalk things up to dumb luck...while I'm far from religious...I do believe in fate....it's the why things happen when they happen is the mystery to me...

I decide to text her...but not just like Hey what's going on?....but some call to action...and I want her to know I know she's here......unfortunately, I can't remember the exact words I used but it was something to the effect of "The guy at the end of the bar thinks you have a beautiful smile....and you're cute..."....I'm pretty sure it had a bit more wit to it....I figured she did not have my name saved in her phone so it would be anonymous but certainly be a shocking text...like who is this at the bar?...and how does he have my number?

The best part about sending the text was getting to watch her reaction to it....I was the fly on the wall we've all dreamed of being....too good a moment to pass up...

I turn around and see her reach for her phone...she got it...she reads it and laughs...then looks up toward the bar where she sees me watching...another big smile...I raise my glass and then turn back around. What I was not going to do was walk over there.....not just because she was with a bunch of guys, but rather...I wanted her to come to me...call it a power thing or whatever...but I made the effort...if she wanted to come over, she would...

A minute or so goes by and I have yet to turn around...I felt like I was outside Sodom and Gomorrah and if I turned around I would turn to salt....just then, I notice her coming around me to sit down. Another smile.

She was flatterred and flustered...and still had no idea who I was....well...she recognized me, but couldn't place me...guess she was more messed up that night we met than I thought....which would probably explain her reason for not returning my previous text and call....I meant nothing to her....I think this is where she told me about the boyfriend or that she just started dating someone....and that was pretty much it...and the end of the story...which only reinforces another major point when vying for a woman's attention....

Timing is everything....to the woman at least....so much has to be right and properly aligned for a woman to show interest....guys are simple......we can show interest at the drop of a hat, under any conditions...we're like the post office...in rain, sleet, snow...we deliver anytime.....so not even a chance meeting at a random bar could alter the cosmos here.

Fate may have walked in...but I walked out....by myself.