"Help....I need somebody"

I put the title in quotes just so some of you would not think I was giving myself credit for that mighty 4-word masterpiece....save it for Sir Paul McCartney....

To be clear...I'm not asking for help...and I don't need anybody....but if you're willing to lend a hand..I'm not going to dismiss it...and yeah I want somebody...need is a bit much...so what the hell am I rambling about?.....being set up.....by friends...or should I say, "friends"....

I've had this discussion many times with most of all my so called "friends"...my feeling is if I'm in a relationship or I have access to a cathedral full of women..I'm going to do what I can to help a friend in.......want.....after all, I'm a generous heart...and about as far from selfish as you can be...I want my friends to be happy and if getting them laid makes them happy....as "if" there is a question that would make them happy...ok..some might need the relationship thing to truly make them happy.....you know...the ones complaining about all the meaningless sex they keep engaging in.....regardless.....I'll do what I can to record the assist....I don't always need to score the goal....that's just the kind of guy I am.....you want me on your team....you need me on your team....well....if you "need" me...you must be worse off than me...so..my heart goes out to you....

Surprisingly, virtually none of my "friends" feel this way....so are they really my friends at all if they aren't willing to get involved in one of life's basic needs....and it's not just they're not helping me...they ain't helping anyone......I do credit one married friend's wife with consistently trying to fix me up...always looking for someone for me...and she lives nearly 3,000 miles away!.......but the most common response on the board is "Dude, it's not my job to get you laid."......no shit....I'm not paying you to be my pimp....nor am I paying you to be my friend......the very fact that you look at is a "job" says a lot about you and your perspective.....it's nothing but selfish....and self-serving...now they'll argue back that this description is exactly how they feel about me...why is it always about me?....well...it's only about me on this subject because you are the one with the girl...and I am not....

They all say "Real Men don't need help with women." That's exactly the kind of macho idiocracy that lets "real men" drive around lost for an hour and half because they're too stubborn to ask for directions...go ahead...buy another self-indulgent luxury car or 61-inch TV while you're at it.....

"Friends" fall into one of three categories....The Husband, The Boyfriend and The Single Guy....with or without woman....they all share one thing in common....they're only concerned with themselves....and let me take several steps off topic for a minute here and relate this attitude to the state of the world.....these are selfish times...particularly here in America...how is this going to affect me?...Who cares about you?....I'm worried about me...the prevalence of this callous disregard for your fellow man is driving the world to hell....more respect, kindness and tolerance is what's needed for peace, harmony and real change...you know..the change we keep hearing about......more taxes, immigration walls and religious zealots aren't the things that will get us there.....they only drive us further apart....but I digress....

The Husband...happily married...secure in his relationship...the most likely of Hamburger Helpers....so where's the risk?....well...chances are he's picking from a stack of his wife's girlfriends which can only mean one thing....he has to go to his wife with the request....and permission.....and if things go bad with me...then he has to hear it from his wife...he hears enough from his wife already so he doesn't need to add me to his ever growing list....and what about the girls he meets through work or on "guy's night out"????...well...the Husband is so desperate to flirt like he was single again...and so overjoyed and caught up in the moment his one track mind does not allow the thought of his actual single friend to even enter....eventually claiming, "Sorry dude, I wasn't even thinking about you at the time."....no shit....

The Boyfriend....despite having a steady girlfriend still maintains a small arsenal of female friends...you know...just in case...surely he's not going to open that vault for me.....those are his ponies waiting in the stable....and what about his girl's girls?....well...same situation as the married guy except even more delicate....I guy can be with a girl for more than 2 years...I know one...and he's still unwilling to risk the ripple effect....a single friend of mine likens it to protecting property...you'll do everything you can to avoid losing it....so why should he step out on a limb for me....and risk losing his girl because his girl's girl thinks I'm an asshole....it doesn't matter that my friend knows I'm not an asshole.....his girl's girl who's never even met me yet may think I am...and that's good enough for him....and then should he, by some small miracle, be willing to do some maneuvering...as one friend recently attempted....don't bother rejecting his set-up attempt or risk a wrath of Khan like reaction...."That's it!...Never again!"....as if I somehow offended him and damaged his precious ego for not accepting his offering like God rejecting some sacrificial lamb....I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but one...you've never even met her and two you told me "It's probably going to be a train wreck."...so no...I'm not sorry I politely declined...

The Single Guy....well...this one's obvious...he's too busy trying to get some for himself...like the bum asking for your change after you leave the 7-Eleven...the Single Guy says, "Sorry, I got no change for you."....even though he just watched you walk inside buy something and receive change back....but you still don't have anything for him...of course you do...you just don't want to give it to him....that's the Single Guy for you...he can...but, he won't......

What about women?....do they go out on a limb to set up their girlfriends?....I suspect not much because women are even more competitive with each other than guys are...while guys are more into satisfying themselves...girls actually compete for men...and will get jealous if a friend is scoring and they are not....every guy's been there in bar when things are going well...like really well...and then the "girlfriend" swoops in and says, "We're leaving."...happens all the time...women can deny the jealous factor all they want but they're isn't a man out there who won't agree with me on this one....

Here's another one....women are more apt to sleep with your friend's best friend if given the chance than the other way around.....hold on...hold on......let me explain......I'm talking about a guy going after his best friend's girl....that almost never happens......there's a certain man code that doesn't allow us to go there.....but on the other hand, how many times have you heard of a girl sleeping with her girlfriend's boyfriend?.......sure a guy will try and score with his girl's best friend but only because he's angry with his girl....a girl will actually do it because she wants to......

So back to woman...do they get set up by friends?....how do they meet guys?.....I once had a conversation in a bar with a couple of women and they told me the boys they date either come through work or from friends......but not bars.....I tried to explain to them these guys who they so-called "date" go to bars too....they agreed with that assessment....so the guys they date are exactly the same type of guys who are trying to pick them up in the bar tonight.....they agreed with that assessment......their only defense became.....as long as they don't actually meet them in a bar then it's ok.....this is exactly the kind of female logic that makes it impossible to understand women.....because I know what you're thinking...I said, "So you're telling me the current guy you're dating...the guy you're crazy about and can't imagine being without.....if you had first met in him a bar....and he approached you like I am tonight...you wouldn't have gone out with him?"....they both said without stopping to think for just one second, "Yeah, that's right."

I wish I could have bottled that conversation, taken it to court with me and said, "Your honor....please judge and rule on this...."

So where does all this enlightenment leave me?......I don't work...not in the normal sense...and I don't have friends who want to introduce me to anyone......I'll tell you where it leaves me....the same place I started...on my own....or worse......the Internet.....a lot of guys like to meet girls there...here.....maybe 'cause of the statistics that show a third of On-line Dating first dates end up having sex.....that's an unbelievably high number because I think regular first dates...the kind where you actually have met before end up having sex like 5-10% of the time.....but me.....I'm still holding out...call me a romantic...but I'm old fashioned....I prefer the in-person experience....the initial face-to-face meet n' greet...not in some slimy chat room or over-exaggerated perfectly calculated and constructed on-line profile....

Bottom line.....when it comes to setting a friend up......if you're secure in your relationship....you shouldn't care about the ripple effect....and if you're in an insecure relationship then it's not worth being in it at all...oh....right...you want still get laid......yeah.....thanks for your help.

So all you real men out there.....go ahead and step outside yourselves for a minute....a small gesture to your "friend"...today....you never know what might happen....it could go a long way in some round about way....in saving the world....tomorrow.